yellowrosetx | Where'd the day go? (Reply)

Other than being sore, Tom's doing well. I think he's going to spend the next few days sleeping a lot.

I slept the better part of today. The last few days have been draining, but thankfully all is looking good. ::knocks wood:: They said if anything showed in the biopsy that we would have gotten a call as soon as they finished the testing. Weird dreams, feeling groggy and my stomach is catching up, but otherwise I'm coping with life.

The Frog and Golfer

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit LuckyFrog.' The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit 3 wood.'

He takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed his best game ever says to the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas '

In Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' At the roulette table, he asks, 'What should I bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

It is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, How can I repay you? You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Kiss Me.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 18-year-old girl.

'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

You know you're A Mom When...
* You count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.
* You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
* Your child throws up and you catch it.
* Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
* You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
* You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
* Your child insists that you read "Once upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office and you do it.
* You hire a baby sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
* You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
* You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then you obsess when he skips in without looking back.
* You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.
* You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."
* You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
* You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."
*Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.
*When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
*You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
*Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
*Popsicles become a food staple.
*Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
*You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
*You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
*Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
*You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
*You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.
*You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes,
putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

MOTHERS and MOMS

If you send this to just one person, it should make
it all the way around the world by Mother's Day.

This is for the mothers who have sat up
all night with sick toddlers in their arms,
wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer
wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying,
'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end
soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at
work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains
on their blouses and diapers in their purses.

For all the mothers who run carpools and
make cookies and sew Halloween costumes.
And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to
babies they'll never see. And the mothers
who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art
collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns
on metal bleachers at football or soccer games
instead of watching from the warmth of their cars.
And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?'
they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for
the world,' and mean it.and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids
in the grocery store and swat them in despair
when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner.

And for all the mothers who count to ten instead,
but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with
their children and explained all about making
babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who
wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go
hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight,
Moon' twice a night for a year. And then
read it again, 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught
their children to tie their shoelaces before
they started school. And for all the mothers
who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons
to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns
automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?'
in a crowd, even though they know their
own offspring are at home or even away
at college or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids
to school with stomachaches, assuring them
they'd be just FINE once they got there, only
to get calls from the school nurse an hour later
asking them to please pick them up. 'Right away!'

This is for mothers whose children have gone
astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they
bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of
recent school shootings, and the mothers
of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors,
and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror,
hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their
children to be peaceful, and now pray
they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and
sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache she feels when she
watches her son or daughter disappear
down the street, walking to school alone
for the very first time?

The jolt that takes her from sleep to
dread, from bed to crib, at 2 A.M. to put
her hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again
at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear
their key in the door and know they
are safe again in her home?

Or the need to flee from wherever she is
and hug her child when she hears news
of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are
universal and so our thoughts are for
young mothers stumbling through diaper
changes and sleep deprivation...

And for mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers;
single mothers and married mothers;
mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us...

Hang in there. In the end we can
only do the best we can. Tell our children
every day that we love them. And pray
and never stop being a mother...

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in

Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't Think So

Creation

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do!!

The Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.